So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
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I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
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How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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