I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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