and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
