My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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