Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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