so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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