Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
