I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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