i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
