She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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