i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
