im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
