Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
