I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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