Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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