I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
