I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
