3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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