So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
