Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
