Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
