Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
