I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
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Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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