FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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