what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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