i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
