We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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