my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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