cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
