Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
