i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
