so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
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Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
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I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i now understand why vodka
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.