Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
