omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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