Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
