it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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