i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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