I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
