Yo dont text me then not text me
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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