I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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