Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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