my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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