When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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