I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
