just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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