i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
