I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
