I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
