Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
