I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
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I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
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he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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