Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
