I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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