Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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