I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
