god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
