I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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