I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
