I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
