Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
