I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
