She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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