you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
