I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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