I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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