So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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